LONDON — Unequal help from parents can leave adult siblings carrying resentment long after childhood, according to family counsellors and mediators. One man, known as John, says his parents refused to lend him £10,000 towards a house deposit after he separated from his partner, even though he believes they could easily afford it.
He says the same parents had previously helped his younger brother with a home deposit and living costs. John, 47, says that pattern made him feel that other people’s needs were always placed above his own. He says the experience has affected his confidence, friendships and romantic relationships, and has left him expecting little or nothing from any future inheritance.
Why unequal support can feel like favouritism
Dr Fenia Christodoulidi, from the counselling service Relate, says money disputes between siblings are often about far more than pounds and pence. Differences in support can be read as signs of unequal love, favouritism or a lack of recognition, even when parents believe they are acting for practical reasons.
Those reasons may include one child earning less, dealing with illness, or facing a bigger gap on the housing ladder because of rising property prices. The problem, she says, is that if parents do not explain their thinking clearly, they leave room for misunderstanding, jealousy and resentment. That can persist well into adulthood and shape how siblings see one another as well as their parents.
Parents, siblings and the strain of silence
People posting on forums such as Mumsnet and Reddit regularly complain about unequal treatment linked to money, whether that concerns help with a first home, lifetime gifts or the way an estate is eventually divided. Some also resent feeling they supported their parents more than a sibling did, only to see that effort go unrecognised.
John says money is rarely discussed in his family, including salaries, savings or financial help. When he has tried to explain how he feels, he says his parents become evasive, which has made him stop raising it. He says he has a good relationship with his brother, but feels bitterness towards his parents for creating what he sees as an imbalance between them.
How families can reduce rows over money and inheritance
Claire Webb, a solicitor and mediator at Family Solutions Now, says historic grievances often resurface when inheritance is involved. One sibling may argue that another received more help earlier in life, only to discover the will says everything should be split equally. That can bring old feelings of unfairness back into the open.
She says parents should be clear with their children about their intentions while they are still alive. If disputes do arise, mediation can help before anyone turns to legal action. Webb says many families can find a way through once the original cause of the row is understood. She also advises families to think carefully about powers of attorney, and to consider appointing someone outside the family if there is a risk of conflict.
Practical steps experts say can help
- Try to identify whether the row is really about money or about feeling valued.
- Avoid guessing why a sibling or parent acted a certain way.
- Allow everyone to explain how they feel in a respectful conversation.
- If parents are helping children differently, explain the reasons as plainly as possible.
- Consider family counselling if discussions keep breaking down.
- Use mediation before legal action in inheritance disputes.
- Choose powers of attorney with care if there is a risk of family disagreement.
Ellis, who works in finance in London, says she and her siblings have received different levels of support at different times and it has never caused a problem. Tasha, the youngest of seven, says her family has had rows over perceived favouritism, but believes people often calm down, talk it through and come back together.
The latest UK news and stories from Bailey Universe.
